


I Know You (Do)

by siluria



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Fluff and Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-06-06
Updated: 2013-06-06
Packaged: 2017-12-14 03:16:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,625
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/832082
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/siluria/pseuds/siluria
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The words are frequently uttered, their inflection is changeable, their meaning not.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Know You (Do)

**1.**

"I hate this."

"I know you do," Jim replies, and the smug grin he gives is all about a man that got his way, even if that particular sentiment is not altogether there.

Bones' nerves are evident in the pallor of his skin, the nervous twitch of his eyebrows, and each time Bones clenches his fists or rubs slightly sweaty palms on his pants. Bones doesn't just hate the thought of space travel, he physically fears it. But Jim is not leaving him to hide in the shadows at Starfleet Medical. He can't. Call it selfish, and most people would, but Jim can't look ahead and not see Bones and his brilliance being wherever he is, and as he only sees himself on the bridge of the _Enterprise_ then that means Bones is heading into space too.

Shuttle pilot training is mandatory for anyone serving on a starship, so Jim's taken it upon himself to ensure that Bones passes the module with no deductions for vomit, panic attacks, or fiery crashes. Jim's not so sure he can prevent any deductions for colorful language or morbid cynicism, but then irascible is Bones' default setting. Jim wouldn't have him any other way.

Jim might be selfish in his less-than-subtle manipulation of Bones' chosen career path, but that doesn't mean that he fails to appreciate what it is that Bones is giving up by letting himself be coerced into stellar travel. Jim is asking Bones to face his fears, he's asking him to give up an imagined career at Starfleet Medical, and perhaps the worst of the sacrifices - he's asking Bones to warp millions of light years away from his daughter.

So when Bones says he hates this, Jim knows it isn't just about the flight simulator or about being back in school. It's also about what he's giving up. And that's a debt Jim doesn't think he can ever repay. 

 

**2.**

"I hate this."

"I know you do," Jim replies, his voice raspy from disuse.

It takes a few attempts to blink his eyes open and bring sick bay into something close to focused. In the time it's taken him, Bones has procured a tricorder from somewhere, the chirps and whirs of the equipment an all too familiar sound in Jim's ears. He remembers a little of the firefight that no doubt put him back under Bones' care, and can feel the tug and sting of freshly regenerated skin and the dry aftertaste of whatever drugs he's been pumped with.

He makes an attempt to get upright, but before he can do anything more than move an arm Bones' hand is against his shoulder, the pressure a silent command to stay put. Jim opens his mouth to protest, but he registers that Bones hasn't pulled his hand back. The weight of it is strong and solid against Jim's shoulder, the fingers curled and digging in a little tight. It's because of the grip that Jim can feel the slight tremors.

Jim raises his gaze to Bones' face, seeing beyond the disapproving scowl and a CMO trying to project authority and confidence, to the man underneath that was scared for his friend. Jim Kirk, Captain, has always been so grateful for the loyalty and support of his crew. Jim Kirk, repeat offender from Iowa, has never believed himself worthy of the loyalty and support of his best friend. 

This isn't the first time Jim's been under Bones' care in sick bay, nor will it be the last, and each time he ends up here Jim's more and more sorry for what he puts Bones through.

 

**3.**

"I hate this."

"I know you do," Jim replies, his voice soft in deference to Bones' grief.

Some people might accept the genius of Dr Leonard McCoy, yet complain about his bedside manner. Anyone that takes the time and effort to see beyond the gruff acerbic exterior of the _Enterprise_ 's Chief Medical Officer realizes that the man is a doctor and healer right down to his bones. He lives and breathes to care for anyone in need no matter who or what they are.

Jim has altered his belief in no-win scenarios over the last few years of service; too many lives have been lost under his command to class all missions as won. The burden of command weighs heavily on a Captain at times, the same way the well-being of the crew weighs down the Chief Medical Officer. Jim gives orders that get people hurt, and it's all he can do to stand back and watch, hope, that Bones can fix the consequences of his orders. More times than not Bones pulls miracles out of nothing. Jim would be dead a thousand times over if it wasn't for Bones' skills and stubbornness. Sometimes, not even those are enough.

Bones bottles up his hurt and continues to do his job until he can slink off to his quarters and just process the loss. Anger usually comes first, at the situation, at himself, sometimes at Jim. Doubt in his abilities typically follows before he allows himself to grieve, and when the next shift comes around he'll have built up all his walls to start over again. Jim tries to help him rebuild those walls as much as he can, but the cracks are always there, one for each loss, all thinly patched over.

Bones was born a doctor, empathic despite his reprimands on the idiocy of his fellow man. Jim's heard Bones say the day he feels nothing for a death will be the day he quits. Jim can't see that day ever coming. If anything, Bones will quit the day there's one death too many, and no wall left to patch up.

 

**4.**

"I hate this."

"I know you do," Jim replies, his words choked on the overwhelming feeling of relief.

He holds Bones in his arms, taking the weight as the bruised and bloody body starts to tilt under the ebb of adrenaline and the knowledge he's safe. For three long hours Jim could do nothing but sit in his chair on the bridge and pray that he wouldn't be too late. Pray that this day wouldn't make his most horrific nightmare come true, and that Bones would be one more name to add to his list of failures. That it came so close to being so, is a not-so-gentle reminder to Jim that he's pushing his good luck. He can walk away with what he has, or he can push onward until he loses everything.

There's a groan of pain from the man in his arms as Jim guides them both to the floor of the transporter room, and Jim wants nothing more than to rewind the last three hours and stop this happening. He'd take every cut and every bruise onto his own body if he could, because it's so much easier feeling the physical pain than it is feeling the pain of helplessness when someone you love is hurting. He couldn't walk in Bones' shoes for long, he thinks, and Jim wonders how he manages it.

Bones' body goes limp in his arms, and Jim gathers him closer and buries his face in the matted brown hair. Jim gave everything of himself to become Captain, but sitting here in the transporter room he realizes that there is one person he can't give up to keep that title.

There's a rustle of activity behind them, and Jim reluctantly raises his head when he recognizes his name being called. He lets the medical team gently take Bones from his arms, his gaze never leaving the still form. He follows the team down the corridors to sick bay with one thought in his mind. 

_I hate this too_ , he thinks to himself.

 

**5.**

"I hate this."

"I know you do," Jim replies, his smile gentle.

He knocks Bones' hands away from where they are mangling the black silk of the bow tie and proceeds to do what Bones' steady and talented hands apparently can't manage. He tugs the edges of the silk to hide the creases Bones' manhandling has caused, before he steps back and collects the black jacket, helping Bones slip it on.

He steps back in front of Bones and smooths the lines of the jacket over the impressive shoulders. Bones might hate formal wear with every fiber of his being, but Jim definitely appreciates the way the cut of the fabric of suits, tuxes and even his dress uniform frames the perfectly proportioned body. And he can appreciate the view, even if Bones rolls his eyes every time he catches Jim staring. Because Bones smiles bashfully each time he does it, and that is more than enough for Jim.

Bones made sacrifices to follow Jim onto the _Enterprise_ and at the start Jim didn't fully understand why Bones let himself be cajoled into space. Jim, however, knows exactly what reasons he has for making his own sacrifice by leading Bones away from the _Enterprise_. Jim found the one thing, the one person, he wasn't prepared to gamble with. And maybe it took him a little too long to recognize his limits, but there are worse jobs than working at Starfleet headquarters, and if he was going to be the youngest Captain, it only made sense to be the youngest Admiral.

While he misses the stars, and the hum of the ship beneath his feet, he finds Bones' happiness a much brighter way of living. Because in the end, every time Jim's said _I know you do_ , what he's really wanted to say is a multitude of sentiments that all boil down to - _I love you too_. It's only a short step from there to _I do_.


End file.
